We all have slammed the door on others sometimes in life — an account of our emotional roller coaster…
My friend Amar called me on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Hey Man, what are you doing?
Can we go for a coffee?
I have discovered a lovely cafe on the hilltop.
I jumped on; I was a little bored and was looking for a break.
We drove and finally were on the rooftop cafe and ordered our coffee.
We talked about how the drug menace is increasing in our city, and then we delved into why a positive self-image is essential for our young people to refrain from doing such things.
A positive self-image could work as a deterrent for such an indulgence.
Why do we not steal from hypermarkets?
Our self-image is not that of a stealer, so we do not steal.
Similarly, if our self-image is sincere and our self-talk reflects that, then we will be uneasy not to do our work sincerely.
Then we spoke about how emotional surge overwhelms teenagers, and they do things otherwise probably they wouldn’t have done.
Suddenly the waiter who was serving our table came to me and said.
Excuse me, sir, if you do not mind, may I ask something?
I was listening to you, and you were talking about positive self-image.
I do not smoke or chew gutkha paan; I have never done it, even though most of my friends do it regularly.
I do not do this because those acts are not congruent with my self-image.
However, sir, I have a problem.
I get emotional quickly and particularly when someone at the workplace does not behave properly with me.
I become sad and feel like leaving work.
How can I control this?
I asked his name; my name is Rahul, he replied.
It was my turn to be curious and pleasantly so.
I was happy that a young guy could relate to what I was talking about, and he thought I might be able to give a tip or two to him.
I told him a few things, hoping that he found that helpful.
We all have this issue of uncontrollable emotions and are not sure the best way of handling the same.
You vent it out or channelize in some other way.
All our life, we have been taught to learn logic and be analytical.
We are in constant pursuit of enhancing our intellect.
When we meet someone and get impressed, we complement such an intelligent person.
Have you ever complimented someone on being an emotionally intelligent person?
We hardly do that.
It is proven that happiness and success largely depend on emotional intelligence.
It’s not a function of IQ alone.
A large part of mental health is associated with our EQ (emotional quotient), our ability to manage our emotions effectively.
How you handle failures and adversaries will decide your success and happiness.
I am not a trained psychologist, and hence I will restrain myself from commenting on psychology.
I intend to discuss what my own life experience is.
Once I became exceedingly raged in class six, I was chasing my elder sister to beat her up.
She was so upset that she was not on talking terms with me for the next two years.
My parents were not equipped or willing to counsel my elder sister or me.
I cannot recall what made me so raged that day, but I wished I could have managed my anger better.
We never learned to manage emotional setbacks, anger, rage, dejection and no one was there to help us.
Friends could only give a sympathetic ear, but they could also not guide us on how we could handle the same.
As a result, we either could not handle those situations appropriately or carried those emotional scars with us and screwed up our relationship with others.
Parents will understand the dynamics and how difficult it is to manage a healthy relationship with kids and keep them happy.
Recently I watched a movie called “ What will people say,” which is a beautiful depiction of how the underlying emotions of a young teenage girl and her middle-class immigrant parent’s desire to cling to their past identity get into frictions and tears apart the basic fabric of the relationships.
Many years ago, I read a wonderful story, a couple had a teenage daughter, and like any other parents and teenage daughter issue, they had their share as well.
One day John, a friend of the couple, visited them.
Then, something happened between the girl and her father.
So the girl slammed the door on her father and went inside and locked her up in her room.
John was thinking, my God! What has gone wrong?
He then grinned and thought, thank God my daughter is not so temperamental, and she will never behave like this when she becomes a teenager.
After a couple of years, John’s daughter became a teenager, they had a scuffle, and she slammed the door on John and locked herself up in her room.
Only then could John realize that story is not unique to only to few parents.
This is an evergreen story and keeps repeating.
Even though there are many resources to understand teenage psychology and guide good parenting (my parents did not know that any such thing exists), millions of parents are inept in handling this and go through huge frustration frequently.
The only resort then, they will say to their kids, one day when you become parents you will understand this.
But why is that so?
While growing up, teenagers sometimes get overwhelmed with their physiological changes, and they are in the process of dealing with self-discovery and identity formation.
On the other hand, their parents are in a different plan.
Parents are thinking logically, why the heck my kids are not getting this simple thing, forgetting that one day they were also like that.
Kids think why my parents never get it.
Their emotions are speaking.
It becomes even more complicated when there are layered emotions and when emotions are masked.
On the surface, it may show one primary emotion, but other emotions at play, e.g., anger, may have a deep sense of shame that is not resolved.
Baggage from the past also colors the current emotional landscape; if you felt once dejected someone, it is quite natural to carry over the same.
Many times we seek a rational solution to an emotional problem.
It is like you are running a high fever, and people are talking about boosting your immunity.
Recently I heard another brilliant story.
A girl was crying inconsolably in the school.
The teacher asked what had happened and why she was crying.
The girl said sobbingly; I could not answer a sum.
The teacher was a little surprised, so what is the big deal.
One sum will not decide your course of life, the teacher said.
The teacher was trying to convince her how insignificant she could make that omission or mistake.
But the girl did not stop crying.
In the meantime, another teacher passed by, and upon hearing the complete story, the teacher asked her to open a question paper and asked her which one she missed and why she missed it.
As the girl explained the situation that led to her omission, she stopped crying and was almost relieved.
All she needed was somebody listening to her; she did not need a rational explanation or a justification.
If we can listen a little better without judgment, we will be able to understand the underlying emotions.
If we can see how the other person is feeling and what is playing beneath the emotions, then much healing will happen.
I recently noticed that my wife was on a buying spree of flower pots and plants for our balcony.
At one point, I got annoyed.
I displayed my annoyance strongly.
My complaint was not too much about buying or spending that money etc.
When I reflected upon my behavior, I realized that I was angry because my wife didn’t even ask me before.
I felt neglected.
After all, I am a legitimate stakeholder in the family.
This is how our emotion works.
Recently, I conducted a survey and asked people whether it is difficult for them to be rational at times because of overpowering emotions.
Does it impact your decision-making?
And you know 65% of people said, absolutely yes.
26% of people said, yes it does but partially.
S0 a whopping 91% of people get swayed by emotions partly or wholly while making a decision.
While making a decision or dealing with people, it is important to understand the underlying emotions.
Next time while dealing with people, maybe you start with understanding the underlying emotions of the people.
Believe me, if we can master that, we will win every argument and heart.
Do you observe the emotional context of people’s behavior keenly?
What do you think?
